Some people just don’t know when to take the hint. And before you shoot me down as a negative nelly or perceive me to be an incurable pessimist, let me just be clear: There is always hope. That is, until it’s OVER.
10. The credits are rolling. The movie is over.
If the credits are rolling, the f-ing movie is over. Don’t stay in the theater to cheer and clap as though anyone gave a crap. Ben Affleck or the abdominal aboriginal from Twilight is not showing up at your suburban screening of their latest flick. And they are certainly not waiting for your approval. GO HOME.
9. You hear a click and then the dial tone. Conversation is over.
Don’t just stand there like a loser in disbelief. Don’t immediately gun for your mobile to send him or her a text. They just hung up the phone… what makes you think they want to hear from you right now?
8. You are the last one left… everyone else has gone home. The party is over.
If you are the only one sitting with your hosts, take a hint. Everyone else has had the good sense of thanking them for the lovely evening and going on their merry way. If you’re there because you’ve had too much to drink, then tell them and get your pathetically drunk ass off to bed if they are kind enough to offer shelter for the night. Don’t stay up and annoy the crap out of them. After all, an invitation to a party is not synonymous with being invited to move in. Get the hell home, it’s over!
PS. If your hosts are assholes and expect you to drive home drunk, the party is still over, but you are entitled to annoy the shit out of their inconsiderate asses until you sober up. Just don’t expect to be invited back.
7. Your friends are having a party and you’re not invited. It’s over.
Seriously, how many times do you expect other adults who are not your parents to tolerate your drunken pathetic self for two days instead of just the party you were originally invited to? Geeze… what a lush! Two choices are available here: either learn to drink socially or quit altogether and call them to tell them about it, maybe your humility will change their minds about you. Or, be a drunk by yourself.
6. You keep calling and leaving her/him messages but never hear back. It’s OVER.
Some people just don’t get a clue. I would say that the odd unreturned phone call happens to everyone without any hidden meaning due to busy lives and shitty schedules. With one notable exception: the person you are dating, or worse, married to. If you try to reach who you thought might be “the one” regularly for a few days and you don’t hear back… get the hint. It’s over.
5. Your kids recognize Santa Claus working at your local hardware store. It’s over.
Ahhh… the most magical of all lies; a big fat man in a white beard and a red suit will magically travel the world on one fateful night and know beyond all doubt what you gleefully circled in your Toys’r’us catalogue. Do we take our turn telling this lie to somehow perpetuate the devastating realization that parents are indeed big fat liars? Don’t make it worse by making this gargantuan lie even bigger. Own it. It’s August for god’s sake… and the little buggers recognized him. Not to mention your oldest is 15. It’s over.
4. The passionate thrust suddenly comes to a halt. His face is contorted in a grimace. It is over.
There are very few moments in life as delicate as this. As you look up (or back, or down…) at your lover’s face, he inevitably asks. “Did you?”
Of course she did….
3. You’re out on a date and you think you’re having a great time. His/her phone rings while you’re enjoying dinner. He/she answers it and engages in conversation. It’s over.
Seriously. Unless a loved one is in the hospital or he/she has told you about expecting an important call, this is just plain rude. Not to mention an obvious indicator that you are not the conversationalist you thought you were… if she would rather talk with friends than enjoy her date with you, then she’s a douche. If he answers his phone and excuses himself, he’s either a mama’s boy or playing more than one of you. Either way… run like hell little one. If you’re on a date with someone that may means something to you turn your phone off. What kind of a loser were you before facebook and twitter anyway? Geeze!
2. You come home from a business trip and you walk into your front door. You quickly realize something is wrong: half the furniture is missing. You enter your bedroom and you notice his/her stuff is gone… it is over.
No, the robbers didn’t think your stuff was junk, but your former partner did. Apparently you fell in love and dedicated your heart to a coward. Or maybe she/he got sick of your so called business trips… Either way you look at it, it’s f-ing over.
1. wake up in a daze. The last think you remember is being wheeled into the Operating room. In the fog, you notice a priest at the foot of your bed. It’s over.
If you haven’t gone to church a day in your life, you still know it’s over. You’ve seen enough movies and shows on TV to know exactly what this means. If you also see the asshole that just vacated your apartment crying next to the priest, then you know you forgot to change your life insurance policy. Either way, it’s over. Go in peace knowing that this is the end of the line for your atheist ass as your last thoughts are doomed to realism and nothingness.
Bottom line: When it’s over, it’s OVER! No tantrums, pleas or boring old lingering around can change that fact. All that you can do is take it like a grown up and make the best of it. Remember that every time a door closes, another opens. This phase of your life may be over, but there is nothing standing in the way between you and better things. Unless, of course, you’re that poor Atheist sucker on his deathbed… Do yourself a favor and at least envision yourself being able to come back as a brain eating zombie… A much more entertaining way to waste those precious last thoughts…