Ahhhh… the blissful state of mind brought on by the new addition to your family isn’t all it was cracked up to be?
Oh… what’s that? Nobody told you that life’s happiest moments still fall terribly short of all of their fantastic representations you’ve seen on tv and in movies?
They didn’t tell you because nobody told them, and they want you to take part in this delicate cha-cha challenge with the same amount of er…
surprise and anguish that befell them when the happiest day of their lives took place. So, gentlemen, this one is for you.
I will boldly break the code and give you a little insight to improve the overall experience with your significantly larger leading lady.
Consider it my effort to make peace with my disgust at life’s harsh realities and resentment towards my husband as I desperately try to regain some sort of attractiveness after being torn limb from limb, all the while watching him munch down nonchalantly on Hagen Dazs ice cream, eat peanuts and NOT work out… looking just as spectacular as the day he DID THIS to me…
“How come you still look pregnant?”
Please realize that your screaming bundle of joy has left a mark on your lady’s body that will not disappear as soon as he/she leaps out of what used to be known as your happy place…
“Can’t wait to see you in some real clothes”
Er… as difficult as it may be for you to understand, the elastic bands-and-adjustable-waist-clothing your lady has been wearing was carefully crafted to crush a woman’s self esteem and chip away at her femininity. The irony of the unflattering uniform vs the uniform that got us in this mess to begin with is lost on no one. Be nice… we are likely to eat ourselves into obesity if you are not… or, if plus sized ladies is what you’re into, you bet your ass she knows it and will find a fitting punishment regardless. A few compliments a day can go a long way to adding years to a happy sex life…
“Do you really have to wear underwear that looks like it was borrowed from your mother?”
Truth? Yes we do. We remember what got us into this mess and the factory is closed due to severe damage from the earthquake. Remember that you may never give birth in this life, but you may have the unfortunate experience of passing a huge kidney stone and if you do and bleed out of what used to be your tight hole for a month or so, you may not want to take Mr. happy out to play. (And no matter how that sounded, I don’t wish this on anyone… honest… come on now…)
“You haven’t been yourself lately….” (Complete with sore topic of choice)
2 words for you: No shit…
“Why do I have to put up with your bullshit? Since the baby came you’ve been…”
2 words for you: Shut up. Asking why is digging your grave. It’s letting her know how clueless you are to her side of this endearing experience. Joking aside, if she is overly depressed or upset, she may have postpartum depression, which can be serious if undiagnosed. Most likely, the tiredness and hormones comprise an unpleasant cocktail driving everyone nuts; she is as sick of it as you are. Or… you may really just be an asshole and there is nothing wrong with her at all.
“You had great boobs for awhile there…”
Yeah, I’ll give you that one boys; there is nothing like having a shiny new and improved toy you are used to having your way with so temptingly strutted around within arm’s reach at the absolute worst time. To make matters worse, their time on this earth can be very short lived indeed. I am willing to bet a decent amount of my hard earned money that breast implant dreams materialize due to this taunting and hard to forget experience in gigantism. But, I have to say that we know they are here and gone before you ever know what’s going on, and if your wife was small, their departure may be sadder for her than it is for you. If you can’t relate because your wife has large, firm breasts… THAT’S JUST GREAT!!!!
Bottom line: if this applies to you, just don’t say it.
“Here, I bought you some lingerie”
Unless she asks for it, by god please don’t do it. Why? The factory is closed due to the earthquake, remember? And if by absolute luck it is not, you probably don’t know her size now… and there is nothing more humiliating for a woman than to try to fit into something that is supposed to be sexy and ending up not being able to pull it up past her knees… or better yet, “it’s stretchy” the barely twenty year old sex kitten told you at the lingerie store. Meanwhile, your wife reminds you of liverwurst busting at the seams… NOT good. Some say this one has shut down factories for years…
“Can we do it yet?”
It’s not asking when she thinks she’ll be ready that’s the problem… it’s the yet. Yet implies impatience, impatience implies you are putting yourself first and not respecting what she has just been through. Replace with “I want you when you’re ready” and you are golden. Add a “you’re beautiful” once in a while and you are in for a treat. Just make sure you mean these things. If you’re an asshole, she can see through your bullshit. (Aka don’t wonder why all your friends are getting blowjobs and you’re not.)
After all, only a dick can get a blowjob. If you’re an asshole, you’re shit out of luck… ha ha ha!!!
“My ex wife lost the weight right away…”
If you need an explanation for this one… yep, you’re an ASSHOLE
“I just don’t know if I can see you the same way…you’re a mom now.”
You guessed it. In the infinite duality between Mars and Venus, the only thing worse than insisting on sex when your partner is out of sorts is to let her know you don’t want her. If you have real issues with re-entering your former playground after witnessing the devastation of childbirth, please don’t stoop to lower levels of assholedom and think better of yourself. Get help if you need it and be kind to each other. It may not be the fairytale the movies are made of, but look into your little one’s eyes and tell me it wasn’t worth every sacrifice.
Bottom line; life is short, don’t be an asshole. You’re better than that.