Horror movies. We love them. Who doesn’t want shit to roll down the back of their legs as a result of being scared… well… shitless. Lights must be off. Closets checked. Cellars avoided. Diapers on. Wills signed. Knives hidden. Popcorn optional. Murder, a must. Enjoy the Top Ten List of Scariest horror films.
10. Burnt Offerings
Karen Black, Bette Davis, Oliver Reed, Burgess Meredith… is there a better horror film line-up? Sure there is but we work with what we got here. Kidding aside, I am a fan of these actors, so of course this movie is superbly acted and at times scarier than a pair of Bette Davis’s granny panties. We love houses that turn against humans; ones that bring an array of baggage to the mix like crushing brittle bone foundations, pools that love a good drowning, landscapes that refuse family departures and a cozy attic room where evil knits, takes photos, barely eats and ultimately dwells. Splendid I tell ya. Special appearances by the local hearse driver, horrific buddy to Oliver Reed, who seems to show up at the grandest times, makes for wonderfully cheerful movie moments. This dude is creepy. Way underrated movie.
9. Nightmare on Elm Street
Nobody could pull off Freddy like Robert Englund did. He absolutely owned him. Not even if you had a dumpy, fat assed Marlon Brando adlibbing as Freddy would that change. How about Scott Baio? Nope. Patrick Swayze? Uh-uh. Adrian Zmed. Hell no. Just one guy. The greatest actor in his world; Robert Englund. That’s it. Not only does he have arms longer than Long Dong Silver’s big toe, but he is the only guy that they found that could wield a glove of daggers as efficiently as he did, not to mention the simplified task of killing you in your weak nightmares. Throwing parties, licking mouths through phones and deep sea diving expeditions in waterbeds… god those are good qualities. Sick and twisted, just like me likes it.
8. Race with the Devil
…and a race it is. Texas is full of gun toting weirdos and shit shotgun shack pinheads, but Satan worshippers? Satan and his side splitting humor, in Texas? Nahhhh. Then why are these two stereotypical 70’s couples driving like maniacs from backwoods black magic sacrifices and townships of seemingly friendly cult folk inviting them for dinner and a little murder? Guess I was wrong, Satan worshippers are running amok in Texas… fantastic! Peter Fonda, Warren Oates, Loretta Switt and some other chick race against time through a multitude of car chases, elaborate blockades and dark staring eyes only to find out that no matter where they go, they are followed and cannot escape the clutches of Satan’s good old times. Low budget, yet super scary. Bed wetters welcomed, but beware!
7. Jaws
The movie that made you take a dump in your bathing suit. Or did it just strike the fear of Poseidon in you, keeping you far from the water’s edge, even the bathtub? Whatever it was, it scared the barnacles out of a generation of beach goers. Even to this day, I will not wade past my chest in the ocean, fearing myself being dragged under and chewed up like a wharf rat in a grinder machine. Red ribbons and meat abound, I prefer my feet on sand. The notion of a 25 foot Great White shark terrorizing a specific white bread town seems funny to me but when I was 5 or 6 years old and seeing this in the movies for the first time, I had nightmares on land for a shark’s age. A true horror legend, a must for people hankering to hit the ocean in a torn rubber dinghy. Swim boy, swim!
6. The Mist
One of Stephen King’s craziest short novels adapted to the big screen. And a goddamn good movie it is! Nothing scarier than an unidentified mist rolling into town, yanking overweight rednecks and other oddities deep into its belly and spitting them out like chicken bones. Lotsa creatures and killing aside, this movie heads in a direction few would venture to, most notably the surprise brutal ending, which ultimately makes this film. The father kills his son and is then saved by the Army… there I said it… doh!
5. Halloween
Michael Myers. The shape in the door. A complete sicko character, one of the best maniacs created on the screen, all brought to you from the twisted mind of John Carpenter. You can’t kill him, you can’t run faster than he walks, you can’t hide from him and you cannot clean the brown stains from your crusty underwear after watching this epic horror movie. I kept hoping Jamie Lee Curtis would have her penis exposed… er, I mean I kept hoping she would be slashed to hell and back but unfortunately she outwits Michael Myers repeatedly. The movie helped guarantee one thing in my life. If someone comes screaming and knockin’ at your front door, pretend you’re not home.
4. Invasion of the Body Snatchers
Invasion Of The Body Snatchers
Donald Sutherland wants you. At least that was what I was told when I was given my own pod for the re-creation of my being. You must walk and talk with no emotion, in other words, act like Germans do in the streets of Berlin. I may be stranger than you remember but ultimately, until I hand your own pod, you’ll never know we are coming. Be afraid, we’ll find you.
3. The Thing
There is something sinister about being secluded from mankind, left behind in the barren wasteland of the arctic, only to be internally invaded by an alien life form hell bent on mutating its own cells with yours and turning you into an eating machine! You are the dying host, serving up nasty rope like tentacles, spider like crawling heads and chests that munch a munch, munch, munch any unwilling arm in its vicinity. Yum. No one is safe, not even man’s best friend; the pain in the ass canine. The kennel scene may be one of the most gruesome scenes in any horror film, poor little bastards. Although the original film in the 50’s was well done, John Carpenter’s The Thing destroys, devours and mops the floor with it. Not even fractionally close. You gotta see this masterpiece.
2. The Exorcist
“Jesus sucks cocks in Hell” screams a young Linda Blair, blemishes and all. One classic line for the ages. I could go on and on, line after line, there are just too many classics to mention. She ended up having many psychological issues after playing this role. Gutsy. One of the spookier scenes is Father Damien Karras’s dream sequence about his dead mother; it’s enough to send wild shivers down the crack of your bushy ass. Wickedly fun. This is the film that our parents were too afraid to see and they actually have the gall to admit it. For Christ sakes, man up and face your fears. The Exorcist before death!
1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No, we are definitely not talking about the remake. Although I do like it, there isn’t a remote chance in Texas that it carries the same ferociousness as Tobe Hooper’s brilliantly sick psychotic film. Unbelievably tense and over the top, this will freak out even the most seasoned horror buff. The 15 minute running chase scene with the almighty Leatherface in tow of the young blonde is one of the cinematic greats. Not even the chump in the wheelchair catches a break from the man with the bloodless chainsaw. That’s right, tons of young teenage murders, not even an ounce of blood shown. You don’t need it either. Cited as one of the bloodiest films ever, the dipshit who coined that had his eyes covered by his mother’s hands apparently. Bloodless, for once, is acceptable. So sit back and welcome Grandpa, his hammer, his lovely family and a dinner spread meant for necks redder than a doggy’s dick. Texas. Such delicious and deliberate fun.