10. Bunker Hill/Washington Monument
Oh boy, let’s all rush to see the giant phallic monuments ever so gracefully penetrating the clouds overhead. Well, if you seen one of them you pretty well seen both…and I may add that it is quite the waste of time. I don’t care and neither should you about all those BS stories of “don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes” or how many rocks, nails and decapitated heads were thrown as a result of running out of ammo. Tall tales for a well contained group of school kids not knowing any better. As an adult, take a quick look as you drive on by heading to the next local tavern where you can spew your own fables of defense and conquest.
9. Statue Of Liberty
Lady Liberty fisting the sky with her torch held high overhead. Thanks France, just what we needed, a token of friendship by way of a colossal hunk of junk to remind all the immigrants entering the country that freedom is a 7 letter word. Free to hole up in slums and join the great depression. Sign me up I say, so long as I acknowledge freedom from afar.
8. The Alamo
Unless you are heading there to see Ozzy Osbourne’s urine stains on the Alamo’s doorstep, keep on truckin’ past this heap of garbage in San Antonio. This is USA’s version of the Battle of Thermopylae in which a small band of Indian murdering Texians battled against the iguana worshipping Mexicans fresh off an afternoon siesta. This place has tourist trap written all over its crumbling walls.
7. Graceland
Over 600,000 losers with nothing to do will make the trek to this useless museum every year. Not only was Elvis a fraud that couldn’t and never did write his own material, but he also disliked the colored folk that his songwriters stole his tunes from. Oh oh! Unless you could watch the ghost of Elvis choke on his mountain of pills or slump over dead on his toilet throne, this is one shrine to karate kick your way past.
6. Mt Rushmore
South Dakota, if this is the best idea you could come up with to promote tourism, you’ll be broke soon enough so as to merge with the equally lame North Dakota. I for one cannot wait to see this pile of presidential rubble become 10,000 granite counter tops. Next…
5. Pearl Harbor
Naval base attacked by an optimistically foolish empire, sunken ship on display, 1177 deceased. Nuclear bombs happily dropped, two devastated cities’ collective a-hole ripped out, well over 200,000 disintegrated. Lopsided retaliation you say? Well if you didn’t, I certainly did. To hell with these glorified memory traps. Go see a Volcanic National Park instead.
4. Walt Disney World
A man and his self indulgent vision. Come, spend and leave within a week, glorious worldwide population of sheep! Half-ass rides, way over bloated prices for food and drink and weird pedophiles donned in creepy animal disguises. If I am being fair, there are some cool attractions but this place is so superficially, ethically, sociopathically clean, you are shamed for entering wearing a metal t-shirt or sporting a mohawk do. Clean cut, 50’s style, colorful dress down to the ankle families are welcomed in this prefabricated dreamlike world. Oh,…and don’t leave your cash at home or they don’t want ya!
3. Ground Zero
Nothing but a great hole in the earth. Why must this be an attraction? Get on with your lives folks. Go see a show downtown. Get loaded and scream how much you hate the Muslims. Bully a turban wearing gentleman because he is brown and looks like a terrorist. Have some fun! Too depressing a place to visit when you have an entire city to spew your hateful tirades.
2. The White House
Borrrrrrring. You could have more fun watching flies fornicate, as the brilliant George Carlin once said. Unless you are interested in being scanned and watched every step of the way, this dead duck tour is to be avoided at all cost. Have some fun trying to climb the fence illegally and practice your calisthenics while trying to avoid multiple bullets passing you by. I say attempt to gain access with a rubber gun, these are good times to be had by all. There will be no glimpses of the Prez and his fam, nothing remotely cool to see, no nothing. Zzzzzzzzzzz…..
1. City Of Detroit
I was once told the cockroaches come out in droves at night in the city of Detroit. A terrible analogy of the cities predominant inhabitants. That said, this is truly the worst of the worst as far as major cities go. When in doubt, head to a filthy ass Taco Bell only to be served behind 4 inch thick bank glass, fully equipped with a turnstile for your food and cash. Maybe venture to any one of the burned down crack houses, which are pretty well every third house on any given street. Enjoy great depictions of a once wealthy city, now relegated to driving by diaper-less children hanging out on the curb of a main drag. My advice is to keep on driving.